In what can only be described as a fever dream disguised as school policy, Principal Steven Drye has declared that the school previously known as East Mecklenburg High School will be renamed to East Techlenburg Academy.
In the announcement, issued Monday evening, Drye published his new plans for the school under its “high-tech” transformation.
The new school uniform will include a “bright red visor” and light gray jumpsuit with a unique barcode for each student printed on the back corresponding to their student ID.
The most shocking aspect of the plan is Drye’s new “lunch regime.” Not only has the principal slashed the mid-day lunch break to five minutes, he has completely banned solid food altogether. According to Drye, the food will be replaced with some “super-cool nutrient aerosol.”
Starting after Thanskgiving Break, all students will report to the “Nutrification Chamber” (formerly the band room) where, every 60 seconds on the dot, they will be blasted with a high-pressure mist of nutrients, currently planned to be made out of powdered mealworms.
The plan was launched after Drye watched the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, which, according to him, “wrecked [his] whole shit.” The movie RoboCop is also thought to have played a part.
In response to the surprise events, District Superintendent Dr. Crystal Hill released the following statement: “We are aware of the… innovative plans for East Mecklenburg High—I mean, uh, East Technlenburg Academy. While unconventional, as long as the social contracts remain posted on the wall, it stands to reason the students will perform well.”
Drye has reportedly also considered forcing students to refer to him as “Space Chancellor Drye,” but will only implement such a requirement once the school makes it past winter break.
The editor thanks the Synth Doctor and BIG NATE for their contributions to this article. To be similarly featured, write a headline!
